I Love You Sign Here
— Personal Interpersonal Writing Project —
Creative Direction, Writing
My latest hobby is writing legal documents.
I really do NOT recommend signing them.
The
Relationship™
A contract for toxic codependency. PDF download ↓
Highlights below:
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Article I, Section 1.1.1
Party A (“the Taker”) shall act as the primary recipient of any and all consequent benefits generated by The Relationship™, whose needs and wants shall always be considered first, foremost, and paramount.
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Article III, Section 3.1.1.2
Upon summoning, Party B shall respond immediately to Party A. Any delay in response shall be construed as a lack of commitment by Party B, and subject to corrective measures as determined by Party A, including but not limited to withdrawal of affection, verbal disciplinary proceedings, or suspension of physical intimacy. (NOTE: Technical difficulties—i.e. “lack of reception,” “phone battery dead,” “the Wi-Fi was down,” et cetera—shall not constitute valid excuses for delays in response by Party B.)
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Article III, Section 3.7.4.1.3
Gaslighting is protected under Article I, Section 1.1.2, and shall not in any way, shape, or form be leveraged by Party B against Party A at any time.
Situationship:
Terms & Conditions
How to agree to a temporary forever. PDF download ↓
Some favorite excerpts:
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Section 2, “Definition”
Both parties will use only the following agreed-upon language to characterize the situationship: “It’s complicated.”, “We don’t want to label.”, “We’re figuring out what we want.”, “We’re going with the flow.”
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Section 2, “Vibe Maintenance”
The emotional balance (hereafter referred to as “the vibe”) shall indicate the status of the relationship. Emotional trauma notwithstanding, both Party A and Party B shall be expected to maintain the vibe, which must remain “fun” and “casual” under all circumstances. It is hereby agreed that any negative impact to the vibe by either party constitutes grounds for argument. Both parties shall retain the right to judge the vibe subjectively and without agreement.
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Section 2, ”Future Projection”
Party A and Party B may engage in conversations about long-term plans together,
so long as those conversations remain hypothetical, non-binding, and emotionally ungrounded with no intentions of genuine follow-through.
These documents do not reflect my current relationship.
Any resemblance to actual previous partners or events is probably coincidental.